happiness

I really believe that happiness can destroy people at times. It's seems like that is the one thing that everyone wants, and we won't stop until we find it. However at times we forget that if we just took the time to look around we would realize that what we already have is more than enough. So often we get so caught up in convincing others and ourselves that we are happy that we forget the pain we feel. Once you have real happiness you realize that u still have that pain in your heart, most likely u always will, but u decide that its just a memory to you and doesn't define who you are. You pick yourself up, apologize to those you hurt, dust yourself off, and the most important step, MOVE ON. You can never be truly happy if u hold onto your past.

today is a good day and you will still have bad days but don't let it turn into a bad week, month, year, and so on.

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fake

"Behind many smiles hide a river of tears! Never be fooled by a smile! Sometimes people who laugh the most in our presence..... Are those who cry the most when they are alone at night."

I have been told more in the past few day than I have in my whole life that I need to stop putting on a front with people. I have been told by several people that it is ok to show my emotions and that its ok. Truth is....I feel like I have to be so strong and act like a cold hearted person and act like nothing is bothering me. I feel like in order to be a good mom that I cant let mason see me cry. And to be honest when I say that I dont care about something I typically dont.  That isnt me being bitchy, thats me caring about my problems a little bit more than what color of socks you wear.

I no that holding everything in is not good but truth is that I dont really no who i want to vent to and have an emotional break down because one i start going i no that im not really going to be able to stop until its all out.

So if you want to sit and listen to my problems make sure you have the time to listen :)

Sigh

I never thought that a divorce could be so hard. I use to see women who were going through a divorce and i would think well they must really want this or else it wouldnt be happening. My total mind set has changed now. When i hear of someone going through a divorce i think wow, they are really strong. Truth is, you make people think that you are strong when in reality you are screaming on the inside. No matter how mad you get at your spouse, you still love each other and it hurts to no that they dont want to be with you anymore. I thought we could work things out, i no we couldve, but you cant fix things on your own. It takes both people to make a marriage work. I feel like my whole world is upside at times, then other times i feel like im on top of the world again. Divorce is such a rollercoaster. If it has this kind of effect on me then I cant help but wonder what effect it has on the little one.

As i was sitting here writing this i remember the song "love me for me" and it makes me realize that everything will be ok. I deserve someone who loves me for me and not the person that they wanted me to be. When you are at the bottom of life you can only go up from here :)

Dear God

I heard a song today that made me realize that if I dont make some changes in my life and forgive some people then I am never going to be able to have the life that I want. I want Mason to have his family together forever and I want to be successful in my life. I realized that I need to forgive those who have hurt me so that I can move out of the past.

Dear God,
Please heal my jealous heart. Give me the strength to forgive those who have hurt me emotionally and physically. I am a good person and I want the way that I live my life to reflect that.
Amen

Life

Sometimes I dont even no what to do with my life. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and I feel like I dont have the support of my own family to get through them. I called my grandma the other day and told her that I was going to start waitressing at Texas Roadhouse and that I was really excited because I think that it would be a lot of fun. She then told me " I cant believe you, you wasted all that money on school not to even finish,  I knew this was going to happen." What she didnt let me say was that it was only going to be a couple nights a week so that I could go to school during the day. I was so mad that I got I made up some excuse to go. In that moment it occured to me clearer than ever that if I am wanting to do something in my life then I am only going to be able to rely on myself and my little family (Wayne and Mason). My family is so judgemental with the exception of a handful, and they by no means have any room to judge. I know that more times than not I get mad and I post about my family and it probably sound like I hate them, but I dont. I love them more than most of them no. I just get aggrivated. I see the family that has so much stability and I get jealous. I see the family that gets together on the holidays and I envy them. I hope that whatever wayne and i do for Mason in his life that he never ever is jealous of anothers family. he is getting so big and I just want my little baby to stay little forever so that he never hurts.

I miss my brother

It has been awhile since i have posted anything but my life has been crazy. My brother is currently in jail and I went to see him yesterday and I miss him like crazy. He has always been one of the people that I could run to when i needed someone to talk to ( and boy have i needed that) but now I cant. I prayed for years that he woud get the help that he needed to come clean but it never happened. I started doubting God and would ask him why would he not help him but then he got arrested, not for drugs, and now he is clean. I guess God doesnt always do things the way that we think he should. I try to imagine my life without my brother for the next year with him being in jail and it makes me want to cry. I took Mason to see him and Mason cried and kept hitting the glass cause he wanted to grab his finger. It was sad. Everytime I walk out of that place i feel worse then when i went in. I hate leaving him there but I guess he chose it. I just wish my life would go back to normal.

A wide awakening

So I was sitting in class yesterday and we were having a debate about abortion and I am very much pro life but these two women were going back and forth and were starting to get hurtful. One lady was pro choice and one lady was pro life. The lady who was pro choice was posing the question on what to do in the situation of a woman being rapped or in the situation of death to the mother or child. The lady who was pro life would not see her side of it at all and was being very hurtful calling the lady a killer and all kinds of thing. Thinking that I could help with the situation I said "Well I can see both of your points of view and I think that all these things should be taken into consideration when determining whether or not abortion should be legal or illegal." Simple right? Well the lady who is pro life turned around and looked at me and said "All you atheists stick together." I was floored. This woman had no idea who I was or my background. I looked at her and informed her that I was in fact a Christian and she replied," well I couldnt tell by your words." I have been called a lot of names and none of them really has bother me that much but being called an atheist made me mad. If she is a Christian then who is she to judge me or this other lady? This why Christians have such bad names. Some of the meanest people I have met in my life have claimed to be a Christian and in the same sense some of the nicest and most caring people have been a self proclaimed atheist. All this just seems a little backwards to me.

A Bad Day

Today has been one of those days where you just want to go in a dark room and sleep until it is over. I have tried to start living to where I dont let a bad day bring me down because you never no when you go to sleep at night if that will be the last day of your life. But sometimes it is so damn hard. So many things have been going on inside of my head lately. I am sure you have all met one of those women who think that they can do everything. They think that they can be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect employee, and keep the perfect house and cook the perfect dinners well I am one of them. It is so exhausting trying to make everything perfect all the time and more times than not nobody even notices it so then you feel like it is just all a waste. It is so embarrassing to share this with people because everyone in my family thinks that if things are left unsaid then they will disappear. I dont have that one girlfriend who I can run and talk to about everything becuase I dont have any friends who are at the same point in their life that I am at in mine. I chose to get married and start a family over going off to school and partying all the time and I couldnt be happier with my decision but I just feel like a need a break sometimes. Then I realize that you cant take a break from life. I should be enjoying every minute I have with my little man but sometimes I notice that the only thing that I can think of is how am I going to lose the weight that I gained during my pregnanct or how am I going to get all the laundry done or the dishes need done and I have a paper to write for school. It is getting to the point to where if I am doing something for me then I feel guilty. I would love to no what a life without stress would be like.

Somewhere else

I have been thinking about what my next post was going to be and then KC wrote about her new location and it made me realize how bad that I want to move away. Once I am out of nursing school in less than 2 years I want Wayne, Mason, and I to move far away from here. It isnt going to happen but it doesnt hurt to dream  I guess. A lot of people ask me why I want to be so far away from family and well my answer is simple, sometimes family hurts you worse than anyone else. I love my family and I love waynes family and it actually would be harder for me to move away from his family than my own. I can count on one hand the number of family members of mine that I wouldnt want to leave. I think moving out of this town would do us such good. I could then raise my child the way that I want to and not the way that EVERYBODY tells me to. As long as we have each other there really isnt anyone else that we need.

I just want a fresh start and I want it to be far enough away to where people cant drive there in an hour. I dont need to be on a beach in Florida I would be ok on a mountain in Colorado. I want to be far enough away that I dont get pulled into the drama of my mother. Other than seeing my little brother I dont like going over there anyways but right now I live so close that I feel obligated to drive the hour to Connersville to see her. Is that bad? I mean who feels obligated to go see their mothter but honestly doesnt want to go?

Maybe one of these days we will move away, all I can do is keep my fingers crossed. Wayne is my best friend and if I have him and Mason I think we will be fine.

"When it hurts to look back, and your scared to look ahead, you can look beside you, and your best friend will be there."

Venting

I need to vent about some things and I figured that this was the best place to do it. I am so over those people who think that they can tell me how to raise my child. I am a good Mother and to those of you who dont think I am if I do recall I never asked for your opinion. I am so over those people who feel the need to tell me that everything that I am doing is wrong! Just because I am young does not mean that I dont no how to raise my child. I would never let anything bad happen to him and I would die for my child. So to those of you who can read this and are the ones who say that I am a bad mother then you need to take a look at yourself and if you are so darn perfect then maybe you should start having kids and see if you can do much better.

This is what love looks like

When I was younger people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would answer " a mom". I have had some people who have said that any girl whose goal in life is to be a wife and mother doesnt really have any goals at all. Well to those of you who think that I want to let you no that you are wrong. Being a mother isnt meant for everyone but those of us who have always dreamed of it, it is the best job in the world.

There are so many emotions running through your body the first time you hold that precious little baby that no person on this earth can imagine unless they have been through it. I was sitting here watching cartoons with Mason tonight and he fell asleep while I was holding him and I just watched him sleep and kept thinking that it is amazing how this precious little being can control everything about me and not even realize it.

His little smile is something that can melt any persons heart when they look at him. I love it when I pick him up out of bed in the mornings and he stretches really big and makes those funny little faces. Everything about him is perfect and I cant wait to see what the rest of my life hold with him.                           This is what true love looks like

The Final Inspection

With the recent death of Officer Moore I have been thinking a lot about my husband and his job. I am very proud of him for the job that he does and I feel that he is good at it but that doesn't keep me from worrying about him. Everytime he walks out that door at night I cant help but think that it could be the last time that I see him. People are idiots and you never no what they are going to do. It happens every day, instead of maning up to the fact that you were speeding and pay the 150 or whatever dollar ticket, they think that it will make things better to just shot the officer. I dont understand how any person can take another persons life for that selfish reason. There is a poem that I love and I wanted to share it with all of you...

"The Final Inspection"     

The policeman stood and faced his God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining.
Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, policeman.
How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My church have you been true?"

The policeman squared his shoulders and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who carry badges
can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
and at times my talk was rough,
and sometimes I've been violent,
Because the streets are awfully tough.

But I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep....
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around
Except to calm their fear.

If you've a place for me here,
Lord, It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't.....I'll understand.

There was silence all around the throne
Where the saints had often trod.
As the policeman waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, policeman,
You've borne your burdens well.
Come walk a beat on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in hell."

This poem was read at Wayne's graduation for the police academy and ever since I have heard it I always think about it. I just wish that for once people would think about the effects that their actions are going to have.

~Love me for me~

I am new to the blogging world but it is something that I have been wanting to do for awhile. I love to write so I figuered that it would be somthing that I could do. I was trying to think of what I wanted to name my blog while I was driving to school yesterday. I was listening to K-Love and a song came on that was called ~Love Me by JJ Heller~ and as I listened to the song I was crying my eyes out. It is one of the most beautiful songs that I have ever heard. Here are the lyrics:

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, "Dear God won't you please...
Could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

This song has such a powerful message. It doesnt matter where we are in life or where we will go but God will always love us for who we really are. When it seems like we cant get any lower there is always that greater being pulling us back up.

Look the song up and listen to it. If you let it I bet it can change your life :)