one of those days

So I haven't posted in awhile but today is just one of those days. Im confused, upset, happy, excited, mad. I have every emotion that u can possibly image going through me today. I'm excited to see where my life is headed. I'm mad at where it has ended up. I'm happy because I have the most incredible son anyone could ask for. I'm confused why things have happened the way they have. I'm sad for the people who have betrayed my trust for them. I wanted to be some place different at this age. I'm embarrassed to tell people that I am 22 and have been married and divorced. They look at you like you have no respect for the word marriage and that's far from the truth. I wanted that fairytale, but I don't even no if it exists. People say that you have to make your own fairytale, that's what I thought I was doing but instead it turned out to be a bad horror film, with only a few good scenes. I say I want my life back to normal, truth is I have no idea what normal is.

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happiness

I really believe that happiness can destroy people at times. It's seems like that is the one thing that everyone wants, and we won't stop until we find it. However at times we forget that if we just took the time to look around we would realize that what we already have is more than enough. So often we get so caught up in convincing others and ourselves that we are happy that we forget the pain we feel. Once you have real happiness you realize that u still have that pain in your heart, most likely u always will, but u decide that its just a memory to you and doesn't define who you are. You pick yourself up, apologize to those you hurt, dust yourself off, and the most important step, MOVE ON. You can never be truly happy if u hold onto your past.

today is a good day and you will still have bad days but don't let it turn into a bad week, month, year, and so on.

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fake

"Behind many smiles hide a river of tears! Never be fooled by a smile! Sometimes people who laugh the most in our presence..... Are those who cry the most when they are alone at night."

I have been told more in the past few day than I have in my whole life that I need to stop putting on a front with people. I have been told by several people that it is ok to show my emotions and that its ok. Truth is....I feel like I have to be so strong and act like a cold hearted person and act like nothing is bothering me. I feel like in order to be a good mom that I cant let mason see me cry. And to be honest when I say that I dont care about something I typically dont.  That isnt me being bitchy, thats me caring about my problems a little bit more than what color of socks you wear.

I no that holding everything in is not good but truth is that I dont really no who i want to vent to and have an emotional break down because one i start going i no that im not really going to be able to stop until its all out.

So if you want to sit and listen to my problems make sure you have the time to listen :)

Sigh

I never thought that a divorce could be so hard. I use to see women who were going through a divorce and i would think well they must really want this or else it wouldnt be happening. My total mind set has changed now. When i hear of someone going through a divorce i think wow, they are really strong. Truth is, you make people think that you are strong when in reality you are screaming on the inside. No matter how mad you get at your spouse, you still love each other and it hurts to no that they dont want to be with you anymore. I thought we could work things out, i no we couldve, but you cant fix things on your own. It takes both people to make a marriage work. I feel like my whole world is upside at times, then other times i feel like im on top of the world again. Divorce is such a rollercoaster. If it has this kind of effect on me then I cant help but wonder what effect it has on the little one.

As i was sitting here writing this i remember the song "love me for me" and it makes me realize that everything will be ok. I deserve someone who loves me for me and not the person that they wanted me to be. When you are at the bottom of life you can only go up from here :)

Dear God

I heard a song today that made me realize that if I dont make some changes in my life and forgive some people then I am never going to be able to have the life that I want. I want Mason to have his family together forever and I want to be successful in my life. I realized that I need to forgive those who have hurt me so that I can move out of the past.

Dear God,
Please heal my jealous heart. Give me the strength to forgive those who have hurt me emotionally and physically. I am a good person and I want the way that I live my life to reflect that.
Amen

Life

Sometimes I dont even no what to do with my life. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and I feel like I dont have the support of my own family to get through them. I called my grandma the other day and told her that I was going to start waitressing at Texas Roadhouse and that I was really excited because I think that it would be a lot of fun. She then told me " I cant believe you, you wasted all that money on school not to even finish,  I knew this was going to happen." What she didnt let me say was that it was only going to be a couple nights a week so that I could go to school during the day. I was so mad that I got I made up some excuse to go. In that moment it occured to me clearer than ever that if I am wanting to do something in my life then I am only going to be able to rely on myself and my little family (Wayne and Mason). My family is so judgemental with the exception of a handful, and they by no means have any room to judge. I know that more times than not I get mad and I post about my family and it probably sound like I hate them, but I dont. I love them more than most of them no. I just get aggrivated. I see the family that has so much stability and I get jealous. I see the family that gets together on the holidays and I envy them. I hope that whatever wayne and i do for Mason in his life that he never ever is jealous of anothers family. he is getting so big and I just want my little baby to stay little forever so that he never hurts.

I miss my brother

It has been awhile since i have posted anything but my life has been crazy. My brother is currently in jail and I went to see him yesterday and I miss him like crazy. He has always been one of the people that I could run to when i needed someone to talk to ( and boy have i needed that) but now I cant. I prayed for years that he woud get the help that he needed to come clean but it never happened. I started doubting God and would ask him why would he not help him but then he got arrested, not for drugs, and now he is clean. I guess God doesnt always do things the way that we think he should. I try to imagine my life without my brother for the next year with him being in jail and it makes me want to cry. I took Mason to see him and Mason cried and kept hitting the glass cause he wanted to grab his finger. It was sad. Everytime I walk out of that place i feel worse then when i went in. I hate leaving him there but I guess he chose it. I just wish my life would go back to normal.