happiness

I really believe that happiness can destroy people at times. It's seems like that is the one thing that everyone wants, and we won't stop until we find it. However at times we forget that if we just took the time to look around we would realize that what we already have is more than enough. So often we get so caught up in convincing others and ourselves that we are happy that we forget the pain we feel. Once you have real happiness you realize that u still have that pain in your heart, most likely u always will, but u decide that its just a memory to you and doesn't define who you are. You pick yourself up, apologize to those you hurt, dust yourself off, and the most important step, MOVE ON. You can never be truly happy if u hold onto your past.

today is a good day and you will still have bad days but don't let it turn into a bad week, month, year, and so on.

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fake

"Behind many smiles hide a river of tears! Never be fooled by a smile! Sometimes people who laugh the most in our presence..... Are those who cry the most when they are alone at night."

I have been told more in the past few day than I have in my whole life that I need to stop putting on a front with people. I have been told by several people that it is ok to show my emotions and that its ok. Truth is....I feel like I have to be so strong and act like a cold hearted person and act like nothing is bothering me. I feel like in order to be a good mom that I cant let mason see me cry. And to be honest when I say that I dont care about something I typically dont.  That isnt me being bitchy, thats me caring about my problems a little bit more than what color of socks you wear.

I no that holding everything in is not good but truth is that I dont really no who i want to vent to and have an emotional break down because one i start going i no that im not really going to be able to stop until its all out.

So if you want to sit and listen to my problems make sure you have the time to listen :)

Sigh

I never thought that a divorce could be so hard. I use to see women who were going through a divorce and i would think well they must really want this or else it wouldnt be happening. My total mind set has changed now. When i hear of someone going through a divorce i think wow, they are really strong. Truth is, you make people think that you are strong when in reality you are screaming on the inside. No matter how mad you get at your spouse, you still love each other and it hurts to no that they dont want to be with you anymore. I thought we could work things out, i no we couldve, but you cant fix things on your own. It takes both people to make a marriage work. I feel like my whole world is upside at times, then other times i feel like im on top of the world again. Divorce is such a rollercoaster. If it has this kind of effect on me then I cant help but wonder what effect it has on the little one.

As i was sitting here writing this i remember the song "love me for me" and it makes me realize that everything will be ok. I deserve someone who loves me for me and not the person that they wanted me to be. When you are at the bottom of life you can only go up from here :)