Dear God

I heard a song today that made me realize that if I dont make some changes in my life and forgive some people then I am never going to be able to have the life that I want. I want Mason to have his family together forever and I want to be successful in my life. I realized that I need to forgive those who have hurt me so that I can move out of the past.

Dear God,
Please heal my jealous heart. Give me the strength to forgive those who have hurt me emotionally and physically. I am a good person and I want the way that I live my life to reflect that.
Amen

Life

Sometimes I dont even no what to do with my life. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and I feel like I dont have the support of my own family to get through them. I called my grandma the other day and told her that I was going to start waitressing at Texas Roadhouse and that I was really excited because I think that it would be a lot of fun. She then told me " I cant believe you, you wasted all that money on school not to even finish,  I knew this was going to happen." What she didnt let me say was that it was only going to be a couple nights a week so that I could go to school during the day. I was so mad that I got I made up some excuse to go. In that moment it occured to me clearer than ever that if I am wanting to do something in my life then I am only going to be able to rely on myself and my little family (Wayne and Mason). My family is so judgemental with the exception of a handful, and they by no means have any room to judge. I know that more times than not I get mad and I post about my family and it probably sound like I hate them, but I dont. I love them more than most of them no. I just get aggrivated. I see the family that has so much stability and I get jealous. I see the family that gets together on the holidays and I envy them. I hope that whatever wayne and i do for Mason in his life that he never ever is jealous of anothers family. he is getting so big and I just want my little baby to stay little forever so that he never hurts.

I miss my brother

It has been awhile since i have posted anything but my life has been crazy. My brother is currently in jail and I went to see him yesterday and I miss him like crazy. He has always been one of the people that I could run to when i needed someone to talk to ( and boy have i needed that) but now I cant. I prayed for years that he woud get the help that he needed to come clean but it never happened. I started doubting God and would ask him why would he not help him but then he got arrested, not for drugs, and now he is clean. I guess God doesnt always do things the way that we think he should. I try to imagine my life without my brother for the next year with him being in jail and it makes me want to cry. I took Mason to see him and Mason cried and kept hitting the glass cause he wanted to grab his finger. It was sad. Everytime I walk out of that place i feel worse then when i went in. I hate leaving him there but I guess he chose it. I just wish my life would go back to normal.